Dear John: A Letter to My Ex!!!

So yesterday was Valentine's Day, or as a close friend calls it, the Red Death. And unlike a majority of the single women I know, Valentine's weekend was an awesome one for me. I found that this Valentine's weekend was the first one in a long time where I did not find myself stressed about being single, about being without a date, or about him not getting or doing what I wanted. I found myself in a calm, collective, and reflective space that I thoroughly enjoyed. I wasn't jealous or resentful of those in love and enjoying themselves around me. I didn't feel out of place dateless at the V-Day dinner. And I was able to see how much I've grown as my pastor taught on love Sunday morning. For the first time…EVER…I was content with my singleness (thanks VB) on V-Day.

Thinking about how much I've grown, caused me to think back to the relationship that forced me to grow up! And when I say forced, I mean FORCED!!! For me, it was either grow up and be happy or stay stagnate and miserable. With an eternally thankful heart and inspiration from my Twitter fam (#lettertomyex) and the movie Dear John , I decided to write my own Dear John thank you letter. Of course the names have been changed to protect the innocent (and the not so innocent) ;-) ! Wanna read it? Here you go!

Dear John,

It's been a long time since we've spoken. But you crossed my mind this Valentine's Day! I was thinking back on our relationship (or lack thereof) and decided to write you a thank you note. I know you probably expected me to be upset, angry, or bitter…especially once I stopped answering your phone calls, but honestly, I'm not. The only word to describe my feelings towards you is grateful!!!

I've heard a couple of my girlfriends complain about being frustrated about another girl benefiting from everything they taught their exes. It's nothing more disturbing than another woman reaping the reward of what you taught a man. In the words of Beyonce in "Ring the Alarm," "She gon' profit everything I taught, if I let you go." Well, that's how you should feel right about now cause my next one is gonna have one helluva a good, Godly woman on his arms! J

You see, you put me through relationship HELL! I'm not sure if this was done purposely and vindictively or simply because you were too immature, selfish, and self-centered to say what you really wanted and risk losing my love and the benefits of it. But somehow, by the grace of God, I endured the hell you created for me and thrived.

See, the hell you created was the fire I needed to cultivate me into the poised, well-developed, loving and spiritually woman who stands before you. That coal you met is now becoming a flawless diamond. Because you forced me to begin becoming the woman I always wanted to be, I owe you an eternal THANK YOU…for teaching me these 8 lessons.

• Trust God! You were the beginning of my Valley. And that Valley got so dark there were times I didn't think I would come out alive. But in my pain, I grabbed hold to God and clung for dear life. Through this pain, I learned who God really is. I experienced God as my Comforter, my Provider, my Healer, my Savior, my Deliver, and the Eternal Lover of my soul. I love the relationship I now have with God, and I thank you for causing the pain that initiated it!
  
  

• Unconditional love is a decision! Before you, love was an emotion to me. But through my journey with you, I learned that love is a decision…especially on the bad days. All lifelong relationships require unconditional love. Which means no matter how I feel, no matter what he's done, no matter what is going on, I wake up and DECIDE to LOVE! I did that everyday for 3 years with you. And one thing I now know, if I could love you—someone who didn't deserve my love, I most definitely will be able to decide to love the one who is deciding to love me back.

• "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life" (Proverbs 4:23)! Before you, I opened my heart up to individuals too easily. After you I've learned that not everyone deserves a place in my heart. At the end of the day I learned, you can do all the right things for the wrong person and still end up with an UBERFAIL!!! Next time a man gets that much of me, he WILL be the right one!

• The Law of Attraction will slap you in the face. I attract what I put into the universe! If I want a whole and complete man, I must become whole and complete woman. Yes, I've called you childish, immature, selfish, and self-centered, but to be honest, I was too. All of my insecurities, I saw in you. I don't want to be in a relationship with the insecure and miserable Kia. I want to be with a whole and happy individual.

• Believe people when they show or tell me who they are. Had I really listened to you when you spoke early on, I never would've had to endure so much pain. I would've realized that you were someone I really couldn't love long term. We just didn't see eye-to-eye on most things—money, kids, church, life! And like so many women, before and after me, I thought I could change your mind. I thought once you loved me enough, you would see things my way. Woomp, woomp! That didn't work at all! LOL!!!

• Love gives; lust takes! I loved you, and you lusted for me. I gave you my heart, soul, and worldly possession and all you did was ask for more. When one's giving and the other's taking, the giver's going to be constantly empty, and the receiver is going to be overflowing. However if I'm giving, and my lover's giving, both of us will be happy and overflowing! J Will only love a giver in the future!

• I DESERVE THE WORLD AND WON'T SETTLE FOR LESS! In hindsight, the fact that I thought I could spend my life with you disturbs me because I was settling for someone who half loved me, half cared for me, and half provided what I needed. And I think I'm giving you bonus points in most of these areas, lol. What I now know is I deserve to be adored. I deserve a man who will work hard to give me the world. And I'm not settling for anything less than that.

• Once God delivers you, don't go back! Every now and then you left only to come back when it was convenient for you. Each time I would embrace you and love you…until the last time you came back. By then, God had healed me and delivered me from the drama that was our relationship. My life was joyful and drama-free, and I wasn't willing to go backwards. No hard feelings, but once God said it was over, it was over. Luke 11:24-26 says, "When an unclean spirit goes out of a man, he goes through dry places, seeking rest; and finding none he says, 'I will return to my house from which I came.' And when he comes, he finds it swept and put in order. Then he goes and takes with him seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter and dwell there; and the last state of that man is worse than the first." No offense, but you were that unclean spirit, and I couldn't risk you coming back with 7 times the drama and dragging me in a valley 7 times deeper than the first. No hard feelings, right?
  

I hope you understand that this letter wasn't to bash you. We all make mistakes, and I don't blame you! It was a growing experience for me, and I hope for you as well. Keep living, keep striving, and keep thriving. And thanks for coming into life, causing hell, and forcing me to become a woman my husband will be proud of. In the words of Uncle Curtis, "Love you!" LOL.

Kia